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Over The Edge

Just me...

Posted on 2012.05.04 at 19:15
Current Mood: working
Tags: , ,
I compartmentalize my life so much.

There's "Day Job" and "Theater Stuff" and "Fandom." There's "Family" and "Friends" and "People Who I'd Like To Punch In The Throat." There's "Art" and "Writing" and "Acting" and "Designing."

Some things cross all boundaries, but most get their little sliver of my life, and when I put them away and take out something new it usually gets my mostly undivided attention while I'm playing with it. Until it's time to put it away and switch to something else.

On the one hand that means that when I'm in a particular zone, I'm THERE. And it keeps things fresh.

On the other... I can see where certain things in my life really need to integrate better, and where, if I did integrate it, it might make it easier for people to understand when I do vanish for a bit... maybe?

Anyway, here's a list of what's going on in my life, at the moment:
  • My "day job" is getting semi-shelved. I've been working freelance full time for a long time, but over the last few months the amount of time I've had to spend working has significantly dropped, not to mention I just don't have the drive to keep at it the way I used to. On the bright side, I'll be starting a new part-time job soon that will make up for what I'm losing by not doing as much freelance work.
  • I'm getting ready to start the process of packing and cleaning my house because...
  • We're in the middle of purchasing a home. Which is one of the scariest things I've ever done. I have so much doubt -- not because the house isn't great (it's really great), but because I always worry when it comes to big financial stuff. Not to mention I worry that we won't be able to keep the place up as well as it should be. My family isn't that great at the house keeping, TBH.
  • I'm writing again, mostly because it distracts me from the stress that always surrounds huge life changes.
  • I am always and forever a Labyrinth and Buffy and PotC fan, but lately I am super in love with Community. I want to be Troy and Abed's best friend and hang out with them in their blanket forts and go on adventures in the dreamatorium with them SO bad.
  • I just started watching Lost for the first time ever a couple of months ago. I'm only about halfway through Season 2 at the moment and I'm eating it up. It has so many things I love: flashbacks and long complicated stories and intertwining narratives, and weird plot twists and... so much love right now. And I'm breaking my own rule and saying PLEASE DON'T SPOIL ME! (Normally I'm all about spoilers, but I'm loving watching this with no idea of whats about to happen or when). And yes, I've heard all kinds of vague things about how the series ends, and how it drags in places, and stuff, but I want to figure all that stuff out on my own.
  • The last few months I've been struggling with depression again. I'm thankful that it's not as bad as it's been before, and that I recognize it for what it is. I'm also of the opinion that we place a lot of emphasis on being happy, and that when we're not happy we feel like there is something wrong with us. Well, sometimes life kinda sucks, and it's okay to be unhappy about that. For almost a year now there's been some minor but pervasive suckage, and I'm working to make things better. Moving will help immensely, even though it comes with so much of its own stress. But it's good stress, because it's Going Forward stress.
Anyway, that's me. Just so you know that my entire life doesn't completely revolve around what I write.


Comments:


The indefatigable Mrs. Griffin
quickreaver at 2012-05-05 00:08 (UTC) (Link)
Boy, do I feel you on that first bullet point. That's where I was, two years ago. I all but quit taking freelance commissions. I had to recharge and re-prioritize. It's still a struggle, because the freelancer in me HATES saying no, so I put a monetary measure on it. If the client was willing to pay 'x' amount of money, and the project was something I knew I'd enjoy, I took it. Last year, I took a dayjob to provide insurance when my hubs was out of work, and it became pretty clear I missed my freelancing.

Do what feels right to you. You can always change your mind. ;) What's your new dayjob?

Congrats and good luck with the house!

And yes, sometimes life just sucks. If it didn't, we wouldn't enjoy our successes nearly as much. Looking forward to reading your writing. Hang in there, sister.

~C
Knife Edge
knifeedgefic at 2012-05-05 02:17 (UTC) (Link)
It's less that I can't say no, and more "all I want is to say no." I just don't feel like arting it up that much any more, at least, not for other people. Every time I take a commission I feel less and less like I'm doing something I enjoy, and when I look at my work over the last few years, not only do I see a major decrease in amount of work, but also quality. I feel as though I'm regressing, not progressing. It's part of the reason why I pretty much disappeared from dA and the Salon.

But the new part time job will involve doing graphic design and social media marketing for the theater, which is something I'm good at and can pretty much do in my sleep. And since I'm spending most of my time there anyway, it made sense.
devilscrayon
devilscrayon at 2012-05-05 15:05 (UTC) (Link)
I am in the process of buying a home too... glad to know I am not alone in feeling terrified! I love the house we're buying but good lord is it scary to plop down that much money.
Knife Edge
knifeedgefic at 2012-05-05 21:05 (UTC) (Link)
It's REALLY scary. I feel like such an adult (I've been an adult for a while, but sometimes stuff like this just hammers it home). It helps that my husband has purchased a house before. It doesn't help that it was over a decade ago and things have changed since then. Our realtor has been awesome, and things are going along great with our bank loan and the inspection, but... It's still scary.

Exciting, too, though. I spend SO much time on houzz.com and pinterest and DIY sites looking for ideas... :)
singedbylife
singedbylife at 2012-05-06 11:31 (UTC) (Link)
It sounds to me like you are a perfectly human. In life, there is no such thing as being happy all the time. I guess we all hope for it and when we become adult, we get to realize that there is no such thing as forever happiness or feeling like or being a success all the time. Those realizations are hard to accept.

We also each come with our own childhood packages and some have wounds, that may or may not heal. One thing is for sure, the childhood and adolescence experiences mar us forever in that we tend to react strongly, too strongly when something triggers certain memories. Sometimes, we slide into depression.

My best friend suffered from a severe depression a couple of years ago and it was hard to come by and find her sitting completely still staring into a wall or often times just find her sleeping in the middle of the day. She was completely drained of energy. And she lost her job. Then she began consulting both a psycologist and a psychiatrist and took medication.

Slowly, slowly, it got better. When she became well enough after a year had passed, she found an entirely different job and changed her priorites at home. Her husband and children accepted the new rules. She finally told her mother that she could not be responsible for her mother's happiness or lack thereoff. She began to say "no" in stead of always giving, and giving. She is still doing medication but she is okay now. And being okay is okay. She loves her job and she has learned to stop and breathe whenever the depression tendecies hit her again. Which they do and probably always will.

Don't be too hard on your self. Don't expect what cannot be expected, not from you nor from others and remember to tell people what you want and what you don't want.

Doing something new is always a good thing. Moving is good. Experiencing new things is good. I wish you all the best.
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